Turning Point

The day after is never easy. Even when I know that this is the best for me, and for her.

I try to explain to my puffy red eyes that all of this will pass. I can see all the changes the time did to me. Some wrinkles arond my eyes that were once happy. Some spots gained with all those  summer vacations. It would have happend anyway, even if my life had been smooth.

I can do it, I tell myself.  At this point, there’s no turning back. It's gone.

I look through the windows, It's still early, and I make some coffee. Espresso, medium roast. The day outside is absolutely normal, as it always was. It's not hot or cold, but really warm, which is so nice. In times of hard emotions, it's good that other variables are mild.

I pick up some LEGO  bricks on the floor that my daughter forgot last night. I settle down on the confortable sofa, seeing the new desk, that I painted in pink. All my old furmiture reuphostered. At this moment it is all I can afford.

How I changed in the entire process, I start to think.  A year ago, I suspected that I could survive on my own, but I was afraid to fail. What if things got worse, instead of getting better? Would I regret all that I had thrown away? Happily, I decided to take a chance, and the result was game changing.

I play with the small blocks. I like Lego, and the ideas that it represents. You walk thought the store and can buy some boxed sets with a manual inside. But I really like the store section where you can choose the size and colour that you want. Slide my fingers slowly through the pieces. I realize the multiple possibilities for them.

The society wants you follow the rules.

Going to the University - check.

Have a good job with a good paycheck - check.

Wedding - check.

Kids - check.

But I insist on having it my own way. All this time, nobody told me that happiness and fulfilment also matter. I can choose outside the box.

So this is not a conversation about how everything happened and about all the reasons that led to my divorce. Maybe we can talk about this in another day, with another good coffee.

What I want to leave here is the record of what we can become after a bad experience. I don't know why we let the things get hard before we take action. I just know that it's always the losses that lead us to gains. You need to put the sand on the fire to get that beautiful and delicate murano glass.

Failure. Rebirth. Moving on is always the best idea.

I slowly stretch myself. It's better to eat something.

I think of old dreams that I stopped dreaming. Learning English definitely, maybe Italian….learn to sew and dance, traveling the world. Maybe another university course. I give a hopeful sigh, I still have time.

Three years have passed since that lonely day on my new home. It was my turning point. Now I know that was the best thing that could happen to me.

If I could have a sneak peak of my future in that day, I would doubt my eyes that I would be better than ten years before. That I would discover love that heats up and that is absolutely unconditional. That I would make new friends. That I would take a summer course at Yale and I would start writing a blog. I wonder what’s next.

There is an old proverb that says life will be complete only if you have a child, plant a tree and write a book. If writing a blog is suitable, I will add one more check to my list.

Today, I laugh at all this, remembering those distant sad things.